The Battle of Will

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Will always has been a problem in my life, I think the reason my mother hated me as a child was because I was like her, and my father and as a result I had double Will! Will learned early that if I did not stick up for myself no one would, my mother delightful and willfully had another child every single year and being the oldest I learned to find for my Will really quickly, if I was going to survive. So I developed a very strong Will. I also was secretly planning my escape route!

I did not have a mother that talked to me, guided me or influenced me in any positive way. She sent me to church, however I never knew her values concerning such things, it was do as I say and not as I do and things did not align in my young influential mind.

She and my father fought, and I am talking knock down drag out fights, so I also learned how to disappear and stay out of their way at a very, very young age. My Will was to escape from them every chance I got. This created a desire in me to leave and never return, I was Farely convinced it would never be happy around them and unfortunately they proved me right.

I received orders clean the kitchen, do the dishes, blah , blah, blah from age 4 or 5 on. I dealt with the dirty diapers of my younger siblings and the stink that went with them, I dealt with the mother who took pride flopping her tit out anywhere to feed one of her brood, my mother lost my respect at a very young age, because I did not want to help with all her babies, and it was obvious that it would be the same for the new baby next year as it was for me after the first seven or so.

She embarrassed me, I saw the look on her face as she plopped out that old tit for some old man sitting next to her. I saw his embarrassment also. I learned shame at a very young age. I realize today the shame I felt was not mine, it was hers, however I don’t think she was ever ashamed of herself, I know she loved the shock factor she provided, she would say “did you see that old buzzards face?”

So as a child I became rather industrious and figured out I could earn money and get away from these people, I earned 10 cents for raking something like two acres of the neighbors lawn, I was so proud.

Ten cents would buy a lot of penny candy back then at 3 for a penny. I think this is probably where I learned to sooth my soul with sugar, and the battle with being to thick or to thin has been on every since.

If only I could have known that that first dime was going to be an eternal battle here on earth between my will and God’s for the rest of my life, and thy will not mine would need to become a constant effort over cookies. I wonder if I would have bought celery or a toy. Probably not. I have had to learn to run to God for my pain, when my earthly parents were lacking my Heavenly Father is steadfast, dependable and compassionate.

That baby popping mother of mine never let me have sugar, she told me I was to fat while she shared her M&M’s with my other siblings, “your a fat slob like your dad” she would say, I learned early I would need to get my own M&M’s if I wanted any.

I was not allowed to have birthday cake, in fact I was not allowed to do or have anything. So I worked for the neighborhood folks and learned to get what I needed to feel better. Double whammy, now the other kids at school made fun of me because  I was fat. God let me have the consequences of my decisions even as a child, just has my mother has had a lifetime of consequences she didn’t seem to notice or recognize.

The devil lets us have all the good things up front to get us hooked, sugar for me was like a drunk for others I am sure, however it didn’t work anymore after a while and I could not get that good feeling from eating sugar anymore after a while. I was just fat, unsatisfied and unhappy.

I did all the things that self will does to your body over the years, stomach stapling, gastric bypass, losing and gaining weight, and finally turning this part of my life over to the will of God, no longer holding out. If something causes you a problem you probably need to leave it alone, stay away from it, yes Abstinence from Sugar and Other refined Carbohydrates has brought me the most peace, as they are a false cure.

I think as Christians we do not always realize we are holding out, we think loving the Lord is enough, it’s okay to hide a few extra cookies in the cupboard for those really stressful moments. When the ultimate one to crave and run to has no calories! That would be Jesus.

What’s even more crazy is my secret in the cupboard was not a secret at all because he knew, he knows every little thing about me, every thought, every deed, every intention, every frustrating moment in my life. So in reality I am proof that we all are perfect in deceiving myself?

Calorie Free and Compassionate.

No, I think I am deceived, the evil one loves for us to struggle with anything that takes our eyes off of the Lord. He wants us dealing with cookies, sugar and other additions and character defects because he loves to steal the dances of success and comfort from our Lord. Practicing the presence of God has left the devil few minutes in my life, shoo.

It doesn’t matter so much that it happened as long as I learn. I think I can honestly say that I have never had a bad day on any day I woke up and asked God to help me though the day, however the devil patiently waits for us to be in a hurry and forget to ask, and those are the days that the struggles come in.

The simple solution, wake up, ask God through Jesus Christ for the knowledge of his will for my life every morning, thank him for his mercy and protection every night, and practice the presence of God every moment of the day, providing protective armor from cookies and other false cures that the world has to offer.

The Beatitudes: Jesus talking about you and I.

And he opened his mouth an taught them saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers , for they shall be called the sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account.

Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you. Matthew 5: 2-12

I have long forgiven my parents for what they were and for what they weren’t, today I tell this story because it is not a new story, and you are not alone. I knew this pain and anguish while knowing Jesus my whole life and being plundered by the problems of this world. There are so many things that Will, Will take your eyes off Jesus with. I relearn everyday. “I don’t need that”.  And laying down my Will gave me new strength. Thank God.

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